


The name of the dead

by a_certain_kind_of_dread



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, Unrequited Crush, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27619444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_certain_kind_of_dread/pseuds/a_certain_kind_of_dread
Summary: "And Annie couldn't be angry, even with the blood smeared on her hands. One soul she didn't take, but was given. And she understood, she did. Dying for a cause was easier. Dying for a cause you chose seemed like pure bliss.And Annie envied her for that."
Kudos: 2





	The name of the dead

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by something brief I wrote to explain the attachment I feel towards Annie. I regret this but I'm not sorry, it had to be done

Layla could tell the moment she first saw the blonde that she had seen more than she would ever want to admit. The way her eyes were cold and distanced, the way she was on edge at all times, and the way she was utterly merciless to anyone around her. She didn't want to be with anyone, and would leave Reiner and Berthold alike if she could.

The way she heartlessly rejected Bertholds advances, and the way she rejected his kindness the same way. There was a deep hurt etched into her soul, and Layla was certain she would never find out which no matter how much her own empathy ached her.

Layla also knew that she would be the death of her. The way her grey eyes didn't spare her a glance, and the way she beat anyone during combat. Layla knew, deep inside, she would be the reason she dies. Against all hopes, she would be proven right in only a few weeks time. Really, much longer than Layla thought she would last.

It took Layla very little time to find out her name. Annie Leonhardt. Layla couldn't help but think how the soft name fit the blonde so beautifully. There was something gentle about the way it sounds. Layla loved hearing it. She wished dearly to say it, yet she never found the courage to say her name outloud.

Only few times their paths have crossed. The night was darker than usual, the moon and stars hidden behind thick layers of clouds. And at the edge of the woods by the camp, Layla had stumbled into Annie. Latter was rather unhappy abour it. That was Laylas guess at least, as she was with her back against a tree and a knife against her throat.

"I'm not a threat."

Annie blinked, and slowly backed off. Layla could have sworn to see amusement in her expression.

"I know you aren't"

"Then why threaten me?"

The blondes amusement disappeared, in sync with Laylas appearing.

The silence was long after it. To Laylas surprise, the other didn't chase her away, or leave. She sat down again, and the brunette followed. Each leaning against a tree, and soaking up the nocturnal silence. And here was the only time Layla had seen Annie with a relaxed demeanor.

"Why come?"

Layla was surprised by Annie starting a conversation. She didn't answer for a long time, because how would she? The answer was harsh and unwelcomed.

"To be alone."

In a way, it was the truth.

Annie seemed to see behind it, studying Laylas face with a expression more grim than should be right. And they didn't talk again, Layla didn't dare for a long time.

"You?"

It was a whisper, and she didn't expect the other to hear it, let alone answer.

"For the silence."

And even though Annie expected it to be the last of it, she was surprised, if not shocked by Laylas words.

"You're not a bad person."

Neither seemed to understand the reasoning for those words, and Layla was afraid she'd made a grave mistake by the way Annie tensed up harshly.

"You don't know that."

"I see it."

Their whispers didn't seem to break the silence, but rather merge with it. And this time both endulged it in too long, as the sun painted everything a hint of blue, both knew any words were useless now.

Layla was unfortunate enough to be paired with Annie once, and apart from bruises she did not gain anything from it. But she would relive that day over and over again, she realised when it finished. All for the moment when Annie was above her, breathing heavily, pinning Layla down as latter finally fought back with use.

Both times they met were short and hollow. There was an ocean of unspoken words, sentences that seemed to press on Laylas throat so bad she felt nauseous. Her chest swayed each time she stood next to Annie, all with the need to speak and be spoken to. But she was aware, deep down, that even those two moments were generous gifts in a life like theirs. Who was she to ask for so much in the life she was given?

And even if she did her best to kill any hopes, she still managed to feel the sting of sorrow in her death. The ache for all what wasn't there. Only then she felt the deep need to fill the emptiness in her life, which she hoped so desperately would have ended sooner.

It was a useless decision. All she could have done was yell, and warn her. She could have said Annies name, and save her just the same. The titan was far, a warning was enough. Annie was skilled, incredibly so. But Layla couldn't even in that moment find the courage to say that name. Not even in her dying breath she could say it.

Maybe it was also the wish to die with a reason. Dying is easy, she could've done it countless times. But deep inside she waited for a proper moment. That was what made her join the military in the first place. The moment she heard of the attack on Trost, she knew it was her last day to live.

She could have just said her name. The name she found so alluring and gentle. But she couldn't, she didn't, so she was in the titans mouth, right arm and leg deep in its throat, head barely turned to the left. And she managed a glance before her right half was bitten of, and left dropped to the floor.

And Annie caught her glance. Annie caught the glance of Laylas last expression before her head and what was left of her body dropped to the floor below. And even after killing the titan, and even after the attack ended, she could not forget it. The moment seemed deeply embedded into her mind now. Annie saw more expression in Laylas face than she ever wanted to. She could see acceptance, and remorse. She didn't understand what that look meant, but she knew, she knew it was meant for her.

Layla had sacrfised herself, for nothing. Annie knew where her body was. She couldn't bring herself to find it. Death was no stranger, and she was not repulsed by the sight either. She saw worse. No, this was the deep nausea of knowing too much.

Layla had died for her, but Annie knew that there was no need to. No, Layla wanted to die for her. She chose death, sacrfise, instead of warning her and letting both live. Maybe that was what haunted Annie the most, but what felt worse was that she did not know her name. All she knew was a dark skinned girl with dark brown locks, and a haunting expression on her dying face.

And no reason for sacrfise.

Maybe she just wished to die. Annie understood, she did. And the day in the woods seemed to come back to her, in a dream, leading to her waking up deep into the night with a cold shiver on her body. She saw those woods again, with the girls last expression instead of the gentle one. And Annie knew now why she had went to the forest that night.

But that was not the worst yet, it seemed. Because Annie remembered well her face, the paled and accepting eyes. And Annie could swear there was more to her death. Why sacrfise? She could have chosen to die any way. But she chose to die for her.

Annie did not want to think of it.

But the knowledge haunted her still, and so did the knowledge she lacked.

Annie had never learned the girls name. And she died for her. 

Annie had to come to the realisation that she meant more to the girl than latter ever would to the blonde. There was something bitter about it. She felt resentful, if anything. It was nothing but a burden now, to carry ones blood on your hands, when they decide to bleed out in your arms.

And Annie didn't know her name.

She hoped to say she never would, but she couldn't admit to be that heartless. And she asked, she asked with a cold voice and indifferent expression.

Yet Annie didn't feel any more peaceful after knowing. Now she only had a word to match the look she saw, a name to give to the person who chose her as her meaning for death. And Annie couldn't be angry, even with the blood smeared on her hands. One soul she didn't take, but was given. And she understood, she did. Dying for a cause was easier. Dying for a cause you chose seemed like pure bliss.

And Annie envied her for that.

Even with all the time that passed, she couldn't get herself to forget. She would never know any more than an expression, and a name. Yet it seemed to tell her more than she would have ever asked for. And when she felt most cruel, when she felt so heartless she didn't even deserve a death to end her guilt, she remembered. And it brought her a bit of peace. To know someone thought of her as a worthy cause for death.

And her name brought her an unusual comfort. It would grow each day, and even if Annie dearly wished so, her memories wouldn't get any blurrier. But Annie still found courage in knowing her name now, she had a name to call those memories now. It seemed gentle, too gentle for such a cruel fate. And Annie sometimes wished to say it, to hear the sound of it one more time, but she felt undeserving to hold her name in her mouth.

Days passed, and blood was spilled. But during the cruelest of times, Annie would have a name to find comfort in.

And when the crystal grew around her, all she thought of before she fell asleep was Laylas name.


End file.
